17FEB2016

What are we? A question that’s been lingering in my head day by day. “what are we?”

When we had that conversion about us before our trip to LA, I was extremely heart broken.

“I can’t see myself being with you for a long time.”
I’m just not that person you’d want to be with.

Ever since that day, I can’t forget that you said that. I’m still upset to this day; however, I am trying new things to make things better. Maybe, it could change the way you think and who knows? only time can tell, really. The past me has fucked me over many times and at this age and time… I can’t get myself into any more trouble. I’m trying my best to set my goals and achieve them as soon as I can. But one at a time. You may be right, but I’m persistent. You opened my heart and my eyes to many things I didn’t know I could feel or see. You came to my life and given me a lesson. I’ve experience new things with you and therefore you are my treasure. However, you do deserve so much more. I want to be that person who can give you happiness not just by how much money I can earn, but to prove to you that I can work hard to bring you a brighter future. I will face every challenges that may come my way and defeat them. while you are still in my life, my store line, I will prove you what I can do. At this moment in time, I’m planning out new things and finding a different strategy to fulfill my dreams.

I love you and I hope there is future between us. I don’t want to say that there isn’t because I do not want to give up on what we currently have. I will work my way up and I will bring you with me.

I love you, Liliana Faisca.

20JAN2016: First post of the year.

First and foremost, Happy new year wordpress. I rarely log on to this and drought down my thoughts. I’ve been busy with life (bullshit). The new year is starting off alright… I guess.

2015, wasn’t really the best year I’ve had but I made it work; therefore, meh, it was okay. After the last months of 2014, it kind of screwed up the beginning of my 2015 due to my mistakes; however, I have decided to leave it behind me now. It is time for me to move on and better ways for success. I’m finally done school and working full-time in my field of study. Although, there are times where I feel like I need to go back to school to get into something much better. To be honest, in the tourism field (what I’ve studied in college), I just think I can’t make it big… I mean, I can’t see myself making big money out from it. Maybe, I’m just not seeing the big picture since I’m currently working at Ramada Inn & Suites, in downtown Vancouver. I think, I’m just over thinking again.

I know I work hard though and recently I have been helping out… correction, somewhat helping out my parents. But I must say, I’ve treated them this years Christmas. I think, I’m slowly making it up to them for my mistakes. But it’s not all about the money and gifts though. I also, want to prove it to them that I can be responsible, because I don’t think they see I. Frankly, neither do I. Just. Sad. But just like I said in the beginning of this paragraph, “I know I work hard…”. I know I’ll get to where I want to be. I’m clearly getting on it way too slow. Reason’s why my loved ones can’t see it. I git (slang) it.

Well, let’s see where this journey will take me. “New year, new bullshit.” as they would say now. I can’t mess anything up, now that I’m 25. I can no longer embarrass myself anymore.

I’ve been trying all this time to build the relationship I once I had in the beginning. I want to feel an equal love between me and the person I love. It rips my heart little by little when I still keep hoping for something I doubt that’s ever going to happen.

I’m stare at nothing and I want to let my tears out but it won’t fall. While I stare at nothing, my heart is aching just by thinking how I’ve become a fool out of love. Kill me! And end this awful heart ache I am having at this very moment. All I ever wanted was to be with someone who equally loves me for who I am. But I guess it doesn’t work out like that. I’m here again, stuck.

It’s getting harder day by day. I can’t seem to think straight and the only thing that constantly passes through my thoughts is her. She’s been driving g me insane since 1. She’s very confusing and hard to figure out what the real deal is, because it changes. Help me? I need help, or am I just continuing in becoming this fool? I just don’t know anymore.

3:16AM || 16JUNE2015

I just want to say thank you.

You’ve become a huge impact in my life and I am thankful for having you in it. I have learnt so much from you and I have no regrets. I think the only regrets I have is how I have mistreated you and for being selfish towards you.

You were once that stranger who I would always see in the over pass and It’s funny how time brought us together at a very peculiar place (the club). Call me lame, but I think how we met was some kind of “fairy tale” and I really don’t want to waste what was given to me. I know I have done you wrong many times and I have taken advantage of your kindness. I want to change that! I want to prove to you how much you mean the world to me. There is nothing in this world I’d rather be with but you. It does cliché doesn’t it? Because it’s true. My love for you has never changed and it has been the same since day one.

Anyway, Thank you. Thank you for staying even though it was hard, but I promise to not disappoint you anymore. You have my word this time.

Sincerely,

Harley.

Happy Easter

4April2015

So, I found out that my dad bought a car and I wasn’t informed. I found out when I went out the other night and met my friends at side of our house. I saw there was a van parked and at the rear window I saw small Philippines flag on the upper center of the window. I looked at the license plate and its newly insured. I assume it was my dads, because my parents were asking for my car accessories from my old car. My GPS, steering wheel lock and my ‘N’ sign (New driver). It had to be his.

This afternoon while I was getting ready to go out, I saw my dads car keys on the table. I knew it! Still didn’t ask, because it was obvious. The brand of the car totally matched the car keys. I thought it would be best for me to just shut up. There’s no point in asking or even opening up to my parents. They don’t even do the same. My family is ridiculous.

I hate how my family keeps secrets from me and talk behind my back. It’s ridiculous how they can’t just say it to my face when they say negative things about me. I feel like fool. I know I have caused so many problems in the past, but I still don’t find it right for them to make me look like a fool, or an idiot. I’ll admit it, I have committed a crime and had a car accident about a year ago, and the insurance was under my dads name. I’ve made many mistakes, but the last one I’ve made has opened my eyes. I want to make things better for myself now and value things more as it is important. To have integrity and values.

Trust is really the most significant part in every relationship. Although, it’s a bit hard for me to prove everyone that I have changed, because of how many times I have disappointed those that have trusted me. It hurts, but I guess I deserve this. This shouldn’t break me though, so I’ll continue to stay strong. I’ll just accept the fact that no one has told me, because I have disappointed them many times.

Friday mood: Esta – Tic Talk x Arbitrary Sax

Uneventful friday

Another uneventful day for me.

It truly depresses me when I’m doing nothing but sit at home. The silence deafens me.
I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking about my 2015 plans and how I am going to gather the things I’ll be needing.

I’ve been thinking about travelling for quite some time now and landing temporary part-time job at a coffee shop is helping me a bit, financially. I could barely survive working at a shoe store that only gave me less than 15 hours a week and I am thankful for having a second job. It is a different change for me and the struggle has been real, but I know that this is for me to experience and learn from in the near future. I have been extremely exhausted due to working late hours, my sleeping pattern is quite messed up already. I am just glad that I can manage my school work with my graveyard shifts. I’m almost done school, finally. It’s been a long 2 years and I hope this program I have taken will get my career started already. I am done working minimum wage, it’s time for me to show my parents a good change in my life.

Four months ago, I wanted to take my girlfriend away on a trip during the winter season, but I had ruined the whole plan. I have committed a criminal act which caused me to fall apart and it’s been tough. Now, I am trying to get myself back up, I am setting a goal for next month. I hope it works out, because I’ve been excited for a couple weeks now. When I finally got a second job, it gave me a little bit of excitement because I can finally start getting good hours. I can save for a trip. I was really disappointed in myself because I’ve let the girl I love down. She couldn’t go anywhere special, or travel somewhere because of my carelessness. This moment in time, I would like to make a change. A change where I will never repeat the mistake I have made in the past. All I have been thinking about is to make the girl I love happy and prove it to her how much she means to me, and how badly I want to keep her in my life.

I love you.

I didn’t really do much today. All I did was catch up with two old friends of mine during the afternoon and went to the gym in the evening. Now, I am sitting at a coffee shop finishing this post. Ain’t that depressing? I think it is. I’m being antisocial, this is bad. It’s another long weekend and I have no plans set up but school work.

Ridiculous.

3APRIL2015

Revelation of a time long gone
appears out of nowhere
and into the ray of now
to leave yet another time.

Saddening the dampened
secures waiting with a knot
keeping all tears within
overshadowing tomorrow.

Oceans away from past
time waits to scar a bit more
frames of forgotten laughter
is the hollow of the filling.

Camping with this storm
all is lost for rusting gold
let those running hours pass
overdue is the professed goodbye.

The game of life

We’re all in this battlefield together and we all need to conquer it by making the right choices, and also avoiding the uncertainty.